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couple holding hand front of body of calm water with mountain distance | ADHD and Relationships

ADHD and Relationships: How to Break the Cycle of the Parent-Child Dynamic for Lasting Love

Have you ever felt like you’re not just in a romantic partnership but also doubling as a parent to your partner? If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. This is more common than you think, especially in relationships where one partner has ADHD. The parent-child dynamic can sneak into the relationship without either partner realizing it, and before you know it, you’re stuck in roles that can leave both of you feeling frustrated, resentful, and disconnected. But here’s the good news: It doesn’t have to stay that way.

Let’s break down what this dynamic looks like, how it creates tension, and more importantly, how you can shift it to create a more balanced and connected relationship.

The Parent-Child Dynamic: What It Looks Like

In relationships where one partner has ADHD, it’s easy for the non-ADHD partner to slip into what we call the “parent role.” This person becomes the one who handles everything—from managing the household to reminding their partner about tasks. Meanwhile, the ADHD partner can take on a more “child-like” role, relying on the other for guidance and avoiding responsibilities.

Now, imagine this: You’re constantly checking in with your partner, reminding them about bills, appointments, and deadlines. After a while, it starts to feel like you’re managing not just your life, but theirs too. It’s draining, right?

The Parent Role

If you’re the one in this role, you might notice that you:

  • Take charge and manage most tasks.
  • Feel the need to constantly remind your partner about things they need to do.
  • Believe there’s a “right” way to handle tasks and feel compelled to take over when your partner doesn’t meet your standards.
  • Often finish tasks your partner didn’t complete.

In short, you feel like you have to manage everything to keep the relationship (and household) running smoothly.

The Child Role

On the other hand, if you’re in the “child role,” you might:

  • Rely on your partner for reminders and task management.
  • Struggle with follow-through, leaving tasks unfinished or forgotten.
  • Avoid responsibilities and focus on personal interests instead.
  • Need approval or direction to move forward with tasks.

It’s not that you don’t want to be responsible—it’s just that ADHD makes it hard to stay organized, remember things, and get stuff done. This can leave your partner feeling overwhelmed, while you feel criticized or incapable.

A Personal Story from My Practice

I once worked with a couple, Amy and Dave, who struggled with this exact dynamic. Amy, the non-ADHD partner, told me, “I feel like I’m raising a grown child. I love Dave, but I’m so tired of having to remind him to do basic things. It’s like I’m the only adult in the relationship.”

Meanwhile, Dave was equally frustrated. “It’s not like I don’t want to help. I just forget things or get distracted, and then she gets mad. I don’t want to feel like a kid, but that’s how it feels sometimes.”

As we worked together, it became clear that their roles had become deeply entrenched, creating tension in their relationship. But here’s the hopeful part: with some practical strategies and open communication, they began to shift their dynamic, and the results were transformational.

Recognizing the Parent-Child Dynamic in Your Relationship

Before you can fix a problem, you have to recognize it. Take a moment to reflect: Are there times when you feel like you’re managing your partner’s responsibilities? Or maybe you find yourself avoiding tasks because your partner is “better at it” or will eventually take over?

Ask yourself:

  • Does my partner rely on me too much for guidance or reminders?
  • Do I feel resentful that I’m handling more than my fair share?
  • Am I pulling away from responsibilities or expecting my partner to handle everything?

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from the parent-child dynamic.

How to Balance Roles in Your Relationship

Once you’ve acknowledged the imbalance, it’s time to take action. The key is to create a more equal partnership where both of you share responsibilities, support each other’s growth, and avoid slipping into the parent-child roles. Let’s explore how you can do this:

1. Open Communication

This step is non-negotiable. You have to talk about the imbalance openly and honestly. Sit down with your partner and discuss how the current dynamic is affecting both of you. Listen to their perspective and share yours without judgment.

A conversation starter might be: “I’ve noticed that I’ve been taking on more responsibilities lately, and it’s making me feel overwhelmed. I’d love for us to find a better balance. What do you think?”

2. Set Boundaries

Establishing clear boundaries is critical to prevent one partner from taking over or feeling overwhelmed. Set boundaries around responsibilities and decision-making to ensure that both of you are involved equally.

For example, you could agree that household chores are shared equally or alternate who manages finances each month. These boundaries help prevent either partner from feeling like they’re carrying the weight of the relationship alone.

3. Share Responsibilities

In relationships where the parent-child dynamic is strong, the ADHD partner often gets labeled as “less capable.” But the truth is, they are capable—with the right structure and support. Dividing responsibilities fairly can empower both partners.

I had one client couple make a chore chart where both partners were responsible for specific tasks each week. This way, it wasn’t about one person managing everything but rather working together to keep things running smoothly.

4. Empower Each Other

Empowerment is key to breaking the cycle. Encourage your partner to take initiative and make decisions on their own. Sure, it might be hard to watch them struggle through something you could do more easily, but that’s where growth happens.

Remember Amy and Dave? Once Amy stepped back and gave Dave the space to handle tasks his way (even if it wasn’t her way), Dave felt more confident and engaged in the relationship.

5. Role Reversal

Sometimes, it’s helpful to switch things up! Try role reversal in specific areas of your life, like one partner cooking while the other cleans, or alternating who plans date nights. This practice can give both of you a deeper appreciation for each other’s contributions and remind you that you’re a team, not a parent and child.

6. Weekly Check-ins

This one is a game-changer. Schedule regular check-ins to discuss how balanced you both feel in the relationship. Use these check-ins to talk about what’s working, where you feel imbalanced, and how to make adjustments. This kind of ongoing communication helps prevent small imbalances from growing into bigger problems.

Break Free from the Parent-Child Dynamic

If you want a healthier, more balanced relationship, especially when ADHD is involved, it’s time to shake up the roles you’ve fallen into. One partner needs to learn to let go of control, while the other has to step up and take on more responsibilities. The partner who’s been more hands-off can start by really tuning in when their partner is feeling overwhelmed—listen to their concerns, validate what they’re going through, and take action. It’s all about taking responsibility instead of avoiding it. Meanwhile, the partner who’s used to taking charge can work on pulling back, resisting the urge to micromanage, and trusting their partner to handle things in their own way. Getting professional relationship coaching can help both partners find a better balance and finally get on the same page.

Overcome the Parent-Child Dynamic & Rebuild Emotional Connection

Not sure how to handle the parent-child dynamic in your relationship? Farahan Therapy & Associates has your back. With our experience in helping couples where ADHD is a factor, we offer therapy that’s all about compassion and connection. We’ll help you communicate more openly, express your concerns without blame, and tackle issues together as a team.

Our ADHD couples therapy is designed to help you both find balance—so you’re not stuck in those old roles of manager and managed. You’ll learn practical tools to share responsibilities and reconnect emotionally. With our help, you can break free from those patterns that have been holding you back and start building the relationship you both deserve.

Reach Out Today for Support and Growth

Ready to get things back on track? Farahan Therapy & Associates is here to guide you through the process. With expert support, we’ll help you and your partner overcome the parent-child dynamic and rebuild a strong, connected relationship.

Call us today at 1-310-962-5935 and let’s start creating the partnership you’ve been wanting—one where both of you feel valued and supported. Let’s make it happen!

 

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