Ever found yourself checking your phone 100 times a day, waiting for a text back? Or maybe you overanalyze your partner’s every word, searching for some hidden meaning, wondering if they’re pulling away. If you’ve ever experienced this constant anxiety and need for reassurance in relationships, chances are, you’re dealing with anxious attachment.
But here’s the thing: while it can feel overwhelming, anxious attachment is not a life sentence. You can heal, find security in yourself, and finally relax in your relationships. It’s about learning how to handle those moments of panic, building self-trust, and, yes, rebalancing your emotional world. Let’s take a deep dive into how you can do just that.
Step 1: Approach Healing with the Right Mindset
Before anything else, you’ve got to start with the right mindset. Healing isn’t about “fixing” yourself. It’s about understanding why you react the way you do and how those patterns were formed. I know so many people who come to me saying, “I just want to stop being so anxious all the time!” I get it, I really do. But here’s the thing: you aren’t broken. These emotional reactions didn’t come out of nowhere.
Think of it like this: your anxious attachment is like an alarm system. It’s always on, always scanning for threats. But that system got installed because somewhere along the way, you learned that love wasn’t always safe or reliable. So now, every small thing feels like a potential rejection.
The goal isn’t to shut off the alarm system entirely (you’ll still have moments of anxiety—it’s part of being human!). The goal is to learn how to quiet it when it starts blaring over minor things. You’re not here to “fix” yourself, but to understand and calm that inner alarm.
Step 2: Get to Know Your Nervous System (and Learn to Self-Soothe)
Okay, let’s get real for a second. You know those moments when you’re waiting for your partner to text back, and your heart’s racing, palms are sweaty, and you feel like you’re about to spiral? That’s not just your mind playing tricks on you—that’s your nervous system going into overdrive.
One of the biggest breakthroughs in my healing journey was learning how to regulate my nervous system. When I understood that my body was reacting like it was in danger (even though the danger wasn’t real), I realized I had to start working with it, not against it.
So, what can you do? Start paying attention to your body when you feel anxious. How does your breath feel? Are your shoulders tense? Maybe your stomach is tight. Instead of trying to distract yourself or push those feelings away, try to sit with them. Take a deep breath and remind your body that you’re safe, even if your mind is freaking out.
This isn’t just about calming your anxiety in the moment—it’s about building a stronger, more resilient connection with yourself. And let me tell you, the more you practice self-soothing, the more control you’ll feel in those panicked moments.
Step 3: Heal the Core Wounds of Abandonment and Unworthiness
If you have anxious attachment, you’re probably familiar with the fear that your partner will leave you or that you’re just not good enough to be loved. These feelings usually trace back to core wounds of abandonment and unworthiness.
I remember one client, Kathy, who told me how every time her partner was late to respond to a text, she would go into a tailspin. She knew logically that her partner wasn’t leaving her, but emotionally, it felt like the start of the end. It turned out her deep-rooted fear of abandonment had been running the show since childhood when her parents had been emotionally unavailable.
Here’s the thing: when you feel anxious, it’s often less about what’s happening in the moment and more about an old fear being triggered. The fear that you’re not enough, or that if someone pulls away, it’s because you did something wrong. Healing these core wounds is essential because, without it, you’ll continue to chase reassurance from your partner, hoping it will fill the void.
So, how do you start? One step is recognizing when that old fear comes up. When your partner doesn’t reply right away, ask yourself: Is this about now, or am I reacting to an old wound? This level of self-awareness can help you stop the spiral before it begins.
Step 4: Build Emotional Resilience—One Step at a Time
Let’s talk about emotional resilience for a second. When you have anxious attachment, every small disagreement or moment of distance in a relationship can feel like the ground beneath you is crumbling. But one way to build confidence and emotional resilience is by setting small, achievable goals for yourself and sticking to them.
For me, this looked like increasing my weights at the gym. Every time I went, I’d add just a little more weight to my lifts. It wasn’t about trying to become a bodybuilder or anything—it was about proving to myself that I could handle challenges, that I could push through discomfort and come out stronger.
Over time, these small victories helped me build trust in myself. I knew that if I could follow through on my commitment to myself at the gym, I could follow through in other areas of my life too. And that’s what I want for you. Pick something small—something that challenges you but is doable. Whether it’s going for a daily walk, practicing a new skill, or tackling a long-delayed task, completing it will build the muscle of emotional resilience.
Step 5: Stop Pouring All Your Energy into the Relationship
Here’s a hard truth: many of us with anxious attachment tend to make our relationships the center of our world. We pour so much energy into making sure the relationship is stable, it’s like we forget about everything else—our hobbies, friends, work, or even our own well-being.
When your relationship feels shaky, you grip tighter. But that’s the thing—you can’t find stability in your partner if you don’t have it within yourself first.
One of the best things you can do is to start investing in other areas of your life. Join that fitness class, take up painting, plan a trip with your friends. The more you focus on building a life outside of the relationship, the less dependent you’ll be on your partner to fill every emotional need.
And here’s the bonus: when you stop gripping so tightly, your relationship often becomes healthier because both partners have room to breathe.
Step 6: Learn to Set Boundaries—and Stick to Them
Setting boundaries is one of the hardest but most important things you can do when you have anxious attachment. We often fear that saying “no” or asking for what we need will push people away, but the opposite is true. Boundaries create safety—for both you and your partner.
Think about it this way: boundaries are like fences around a garden. Without them, everything spills over, gets messy, and the flowers you’re trying to grow don’t thrive. But with clear boundaries, you protect your energy, your time, and your emotional well-being.
Start small. Maybe it’s setting a boundary around how much time you spend texting during the day, or maybe it’s asking for more time to yourself. It’s uncomfortable at first, but boundaries are what make healthy relationships flourish.
Ready to Start Healing?
Healing your anxious attachment doesn’t happen overnight, but every step you take brings you closer to feeling secure, grounded, and at peace in your relationships.
If you’re still unsure about your attachment style, or you want more clarity on where to begin, take the free quiz on my site to help you understand your patterns better. You’ve got this. Healing is possible—and it starts with just one small, brave step.