Let’s be real—setting boundaries in Iranian culture? It’s hard. Really hard. You’re probably reading this because, like most of us, you’ve found yourself caught in the emotional tug-of-war between wanting to protect your own peace and feeling the crushing weight of familial obligations. We’re raised with the idea that family comes first—always. Your time, your energy, your space? Those belong to the family. And if you dare assert a boundary, suddenly you’re the selfish one, the ungrateful one, the one who “forgot where they came from.” The irony? When you put everyone else first, you slowly forget who you are.
But here’s the truth that nobody really says out loud: setting boundaries isn’t about rejecting your family, and it’s not about being disrespectful. It’s about saving yourself—and saving your relationships. Because let’s be honest, without boundaries, you’ll eventually burn out. You’ll say “yes” when you mean “no,” show up when you’d rather not, and then start resenting the very people you love most. And that resentment? It will eat at you.
I get it. Boundaries were a huge personal struggle for me and a journey that took time to really understand and implement—setting boundaries can feel like a betrayal. You ever feel that knot in your stomach when you say “no” to an invitation or feel guilty when you tell someone, “I just need some space”? That knot is guilt—and in our culture, guilt has a VIP seat at the table. We’re taught that putting ourselves first is almost disloyal, a slap in the face to the very people who sacrificed for us. But here’s the thing: there’s nothing disloyal about taking care of yourself. If anything, honoring yourself first allows you to show up for others in a much healthier, more authentic way.
The Real Struggles with Setting Boundaries
Before we get into how you can actually set boundaries, we need to understand why it’s so difficult. Because it’s not just about managing other people’s expectations—it’s about wrestling with your own feelings. In our culture, setting a boundary can feel like you’re betraying the very people who raised you. And that brings up a cocktail of emotions: guilt, shame, and fear.
Guilt: The Constant Companion
Guilt is the first thing that shows up when you even think about setting a boundary. Saying no to a family member can feel like you’re rejecting the entire family unit. In Iranian culture, you’re not just saying no to the request—you’re saying no to the shared identity, the “we” that is so ingrained in our relationships. It’s like you’re rejecting everything your parents, grandparents, and elders have built. The guilt eats away at you, making you feel selfish, even when all you’re trying to do is protect your own needs.
Take Neda, for example. She had been saying yes to every family gathering, every wedding, every last-minute dinner—until she couldn’t anymore. She was exhausted, but the guilt of saying no felt heavier than the burnout she was already feeling. In her mind, saying no to her family was like saying, “You don’t matter.” It wasn’t until we talked through the deeper layers that she realized this guilt was tied to a belief that she had to earn her place in the family by always being available. Slowly, Neda started practicing setting boundaries. She told her family she couldn’t make it to every gathering, and you know what happened? The world didn’t end. Her family still loved her. And—here’s the kicker—she started loving herself more.
Shame: The Unspoken Taboo
And then there’s shame. We’re raised to believe that we owe everything to our families. They worked hard, sacrificed, and moved mountains to give us a better life—so how dare we put ourselves first? It feels shameful, as though we’re going against our upbringing. It’s like a voice inside your head that whispers, “How could you be so selfish? You’re supposed to be there for them.”
For many of us, that voice is the echo of generations who put the collective above the individual. It’s not just cultural—it’s ancestral. So when you try to set a boundary, it can feel like you’re dishonoring not just your family but your entire lineage. But here’s the thing—boundaries are not acts of betrayal. They are acts of self-respect. You’re not saying, “I don’t care about you.” You’re saying, “I care about me too.”
Fear: The What-Ifs That Haunt You
Then, of course, there’s fear. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of being seen as ungrateful. Fear of rejection. The fear that your family will interpret your boundaries as a sign that you’re pulling away from them, that you’re choosing yourself over them—and that maybe, just maybe, they’ll pull away from you in return.
One client of mine, Ali, struggled with this fear constantly. He had a hard time saying no to his parents because he was terrified that they would think less of him or see him as ungrateful. He often found himself overcommitting—agreeing to family favors, driving long distances to attend last-minute gatherings, and putting his own needs on the back burner. The fear of what his parents might think was so strong that he didn’t realize how it was impacting his mental health and even his relationship with his partner. When we finally dug deep, Ali admitted that the fear wasn’t just about what his parents would think—it was about how he saw himself. He didn’t want to be the “bad son” in his own story.
When we worked together to set small boundaries, something powerful happened. His parents did push back at first, but over time, they began to accept that he needed space. And the real win? Ali started to see that his worth wasn’t tied to how much he did for others.
External Pushback: When Family Just Doesn’t Get It
Let’s not sugarcoat it—when you start setting boundaries, people are going to push back. In a culture like ours, where family is woven into every part of life, boundaries can feel like an assault on the collective. And trust me, some folks are not going to like it.
Emotional Manipulation
“You’re not like the rest of the family anymore.”
“After everything we’ve done for you, you can’t do this one thing?”
“You’re breaking your mother’s heart.”
Sound familiar? Emotional manipulation is a go-to tactic when boundaries start to shake the foundation of what people expect. This isn’t about malice—most of the time, it comes from a place of hurt or misunderstanding. But that doesn’t make it any less damaging.
One of my clients, Leila, constantly faced emotional manipulation from her family when she tried to assert herself. They would say things like, “We’re family; we don’t have boundaries between us.” It made her feel like her needs didn’t matter, and for the longest time, she bought into the idea that being a “good daughter” meant always being available. Once she started pushing back and saying, “I need space, and that doesn’t mean I don’t love you,” her family’s initial shock gave way to a new level of respect.
Cultural Expectations: The Weight of the Collective
Iranian culture is all about the collective—it’s not just about you; it’s about your family, your extended family, and sometimes even your community. This is beautiful in many ways, but it makes setting boundaries feel like breaking an unspoken code. We’re expected to be there, not just physically but emotionally. The idea of doing something for yourself feels like you’re saying, “I don’t care about you.” But setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
In this culture, your personal time, space, and emotional energy are expected to be shared resources, accessible to everyone, all the time. It’s no wonder that when you try to reclaim some of that for yourself, it feels like a revolutionary act.
Family Boundaries
- Family Expectations – “I know you have certain hopes for me, but I need to make choices that feel right for me.”
Whether it’s about your career, your love life, or even your choice to not attend university, family expectations can feel suffocating. Everyone has an opinion on what you should be doing, but this boundary acknowledges their hopes while making it clear that you’re charting your own path. Independence doesn’t mean disrespect.
- Discussions About Relationships – “I’d rather not discuss my relationship right now. It’s something I’d prefer to keep between us.”
Relationships are a hot topic, especially if you’re dating someone or haven’t yet married. Family members often feel entitled to know everything, but it’s okay to keep some things private. You don’t owe anyone the details of your love life, even if it feels like that’s all anyone wants to talk about.
- Judgment or Criticism – “I feel hurt when my choices are criticized. I’d appreciate it if we could avoid judging each other’s decisions.”
Judgment runs deep in Iranian families, and it can come from anywhere—your clothes, your career, your life choices. This boundary isn’t about rejecting feedback; it’s about creating a space for respect and understanding.
- Unsolicited Parenting Advice – “I know you mean well, but I’m choosing to parent in a way that works for me.”
Grandparents often have a lot to say about how you raise your kids. While their advice may come from a place of love, it’s important to assert that you’re the parent and you’ll do what feels right for your family.
- Time Spent Together – “I can only stay for a short time at the family gathering. I have other commitments, but I’ll make the most of our time together.”
Family gatherings can go on for hours—sometimes all day and night. It’s okay to set a limit on how long you’ll stay. You can still honor your family while protecting your own time and energy.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries in a culture like ours is tough—there’s no getting around that. But it’s not impossible. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to assert yourself without feeling like you’re breaking cultural rules or family bonds. It’s possible to honor your cultural values and set limits that protect your well-being.
If you’re struggling to navigate these dynamics and need support, Farahan Therapy & Associates is here to help. We understand the weight of cultural expectations, and we can guide you through setting boundaries in a way that feels true to who you are—while still honoring your relationships. Reach out today. You don’t have to do this alone.
