Managing Conflict In Relationships
Healthy relationships are not based on how little conflict happens within them, but how they handle conflict when it arises. Every human relationship will involve disagreements and fights. How we choose to handle them usually stems from how we were raised but can be improved by understanding what it means to communicate effectively—even when it’s difficult. If handled well, negative interactions within a partnership can be a great opportunity to grow together and improve intimacy.
World-renowned couples researcher Dr. John Gottman has identified four toxic relationship behaviors that he coined the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” as these actions are likely to lead to the end of relationships. Throughout his career, he has been able to predict failure within relationships with over 90% accuracy when these behaviors are present and not changed. Here are the four horsemen and how to handle them if they show up in your relationship:
Criticism
Criticism happens when someone attacks someone else’s personality in a generalized way rather than pointing out something specific. It never feels good when someone attacks our character. It’s also important to remember that a complaint and blatant criticism are different.
According to Dr. Gottman, the best way to combat criticism in your language is to use “I” statements. Instead of saying to your partner, “you never listen to me,” try saying, “I don’t feel heard by you when I’m trying to express my feelings.” Reframing your statement has the power to make all the difference. While you may want to place blame on them, it would be healthier to explain why you are hurt. There’s much more room for empathy in this situation. Remember, expressing how you feel will open the door to expressing your needs.
Contempt
Feeling small and powerless is one of the worst feelings in the world. When a partner rolls their eyes, uses a sarcastic tone, creates a mockery, or uses name-calling during a fight, it’s very destructive. Putting oneself on a false moral high ground is what Dr. Gottman calls the greatest predictor of divorce and recommends that it be avoided at all costs.
Contempt stems from hostility and a lack of gratitude for your partner. Creating a habit of expressing appreciation and respect within a relationship prevents contempt from creeping in. For example, if your partner forgets to wash the dishes (again), it would create a more positive interaction if you say something like, “I understand you have commitments outside of the house, but if you could wash the dishes tonight I would appreciate it,” instead of calling them lazy. The smallest changes in interaction can lead to an overall healthier relationship. Making space for respect and appreciation leaves little to no room for contempt.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness happens in us when we want to deflect a perceived attack. Turning into a victim rather than owning up to wrongdoing will never resolve an issue. It may be a natural reaction to criticism, but that doesn’t mean it helps anything. Defensiveness is a roundabout way of placing blame on your partner. It may even be looked at as gaslighting, which is when someone tries to convince another person that the problem they’ve identified is not a real issue. Not ever taking responsibility for one’s actions will lead to further conflict.
Dr. Gottman claims the solution is simple: take responsibility for at least part of the conflict—not everything is one-sided. Relationships take a lot of compromises. Most of the time, neither person will completely get “their way.”
Stonewalling
Shutting down during conflict is common, but it can completely diminish a relationship over time. Stonewalling is when someone withdrawals from conflict and no longer responds to their partner. Emotional pressure that comes from conflict can cause anxiety which leads to stress hormones being released in the body, ultimately triggering a fight or flight response. When it feels too overwhelming to fight much longer, the flight response can look like stonewalling—shutting down, disengaging, and not resolving the issue, only for it to show up again later.
The best thing to do when a fight feels too intense is to take a break. According to extensive research on couples, after about thirty minutes of leaving the tense conversation, couples were able to come back together and discuss the issue in a more calm manner. The conversation was respectful and rational. The antidote for stonewalling is psychological self-soothing. Without taking a break, you could find yourself bottling up emotions, stonewalling, or blowing up on your partner. None of these are healthy. If you want to see your relationship thrive, you have to understand that sometimes what you feel in the moment can lead to toxicity.
After learning the four horsemen of the apocalypse (for relationships), you can go into conflicts with your partner more equipped to handle them well. If you notice any of them in your partner or yourself, take a step back to remind yourself that there is a way to be productive. Relationships should be a generally happy place for both parties! Why not use tried and true solutions to keep your relationship stable?
At Farahan Therapy and Associates, we are equipped to help you with your relationship troubles. We would love to meet with you and your partner to assist you in your journey to a happier and healthier relationship. Sign up for a free 30-minute consultation on our website!
